Colaboración de mpelmmc

Hello.

Here we are again. It's been a while. And this time I'm even talking in a different language.

I don't even know how to start this. In my 23 years of existence I've been proud of myself twice. And one of the times I didn't even had to, but I still did. If I tell this to someone, I'm scared to see their face. I'm scared of knowing that by telling someone something they just won't believe, they won't understand or worse they won't care. And this is not an example. It happens to me with everything mattering-worth that I have the willing to tell somebody. I can't allow myself to lose conficence in what I tried to build over the years. And I can't because I know if said thing happens, there's no turning back. I've been struggling to tell people my stuff for so long and if I feel slightly uncomfortable while doing so anytime, I think I will just stop doing it for decades.

It's a big weight I put on my friends shoulders everytime I have to tell something, though they are amazing and they hold it just fine. However, this time I will share it with some of you. Not pointing straight examples nor even explaining what was (and still is) going on, but I feel like doing it. I'm going to point out some feelings I've been having and some thoughts without an specific order. I'm going to puke whatever I remember it happened in my mind lately.

This last couple of months were hard. Very hard. I've been fighting into a lost war for some time and it isn't going to change anytime soon. I'm here to force myself believe that some day this will end. I will somehow, someway, find the courage to ask for help. Eventually I will look at the past and I will happily see how I sorted everything and I will be happy about myself for the first time in a long time.

I know how everything started, I know how I could possibly change it, I do foresee the possible steps I could take in order to fix my fking live for once but what worries me the most is I'm not willing to. I'm in an "okay" status being like this, and that's what I don't understand about myself. Why would I be ok being bad? I still struggle knowing why. May it be because I want to call someone's attention? May it be because I don't have enough self-value and self-confidence to deal with it? may it be because of my already known problem of difficulty coping with problems? May it be because I need to upgrade into Tinder plus (or however its called) and fuck already? Or maybe I'm just out of my mind already.

I know for fact that I ain't gonna kill myself (in case someone came this far). Despite how depressing all of this may sound I've been worse and I managed to survive despite everything. This time it won't be different.

It's so hard knowing me. I don't give hints of my personality, desires or fears until we know each other for so so long. I don't understand how my friends are even still my friends and they're able to hold me without throwing stones in my head because of my inability to conversate like an actual human being. Maybe I will understand it some day but oh boy I love them.


I am in a better mood, I am in a better company and I definitely am willing to surpase everything in some time. I am not alone on this, I am aware of that and I sometimes take advantage of that. All of this has changed since the last time I was in this kind of situation and... if feels good. Very good.

In case someone is wondering, I write this in English because I don't feel like I'm actually telling this out loud, and yes, it helps me to express things I have stored. What can I say. I'm a weirdo.

Aaaaand... that's it boys and galrs! I wonder how many of you came to this point. I'd tell to you to comment some meme like "taciturna" in the comments if you got this far but hey, who are we in this world to order someone to do something?

I'm gonna link the current meme everyone's using in case you didn't understood the word I said above. Gosh, I'm in a bad spot in my life but this girl? At least I'm not tacirtuno. Or maybe am I?

https://twitter.com/angelcarrillop/status/1131739228642140160